Love Can Hurt-
Until recently, Beatrix Umbra was having a difficult time with her chronic constipation. She decided to try a new product she found online by way of a pop-up advertisement called, Dr. Philum’s Extra Strength Prune Juice!!!™. The bolded word ‘extra’ and the three exclamation points excited Beatrix so much she immediately purchased two whole cases of the new found wonder juice with a buy-one-get-one-free-for-the-same-price coupon. She didn’t quite understand how the coupon worked, but she wasn’t too concerned with the nitty-gritty details. The warning label which clearly stated, in Spanish, that one should not drink an excess of three sips of a can daily. Beatrix, who had a limited knowledge of Spanish, consumed three cans of Dr. Philum’s Extra Strength Prune Juice!!!™ in a matter of moments. Shortly thereafter, Beatrix Umbra became famous for spending the next seven years of her life on the toilet.
My Grandfather’s Wristwatch-
Our hero, Steven Borgman, sat patiently awaiting customers at the corner of 5th and Bank as he did everyday. People like Mr. Borgman were few and far between; the highly specialized field of grandfather wristwatch repairmen was a well respected and honored profession. Not to mention, Mr. Borgman was also the leading salesman of Lemonade Today; a popular magazine on the west side of town. Borgman was extraordinarily successful until one fateful day when Terrence Yetz, a hotshot from out of town, blew in and set up his grandfather and great-grandfather wristwatch repair stand on the opposite side of 5th and Bank. Not only did Yetz have a more highly specialized and prestigious profession, but he sold the up and coming magazine, Lemonade Digest. Borgman, though furious, was powerless in the situation. Lemonade Digest was clearly a better magazine.
Frozen Eggs-
Gregory Krabbobolis, lead driver of a sizable shipment comprising primarily of frozen penguin eggs, was destined for the infamous Giampaolo Bed and Breakfast. Frozen penguin eggs are a delicacy beyond compare within the small eastern Italian providence of Friuli Venezia. Unbeknownst to Gregory and his delivery company, this particular Italian providence was heavily influenced by the mafia. A small entrepreneurial collective of Friuli Venezian cultural enthusiasts who called themselves the S.S. Lazio, were located in the small town of Bonanza, Arkansas. The Giampaolo B&B was hosting the annual soirée, and as expected there would be an all-you-can-eat buffet containing a spectacular variety of frozen penguin eggs. Gregory unsuccessfully argued with his manager about his chronic medical condition, Cyclical Vomiting Syndrome in addition to recent complaints from fellow delivery drivers over the smell in the shared cab, reluctantly respected the requests of his fellow drivers. He stopped at every gas station from Anchorage, Alaska, the location of Frozen Eggs R Us, to Bonanza. The quick, yet frequent stops were numerous enough to affect the temperature of the refrigerated trailer so much so that majority of the eggs became thawed, rotten and thoroughly ruined. Four days later, Mr. Krabbobolis was found in a hotel room in Manfred, North Dakota. A single .45 caliber round was in the back of his head. Police investigators deemed the incident a suicide. However, many reports inciting foul play concerning the incident appeared on various internet blogs.
Lesser Known World Records-
Upon achieving his life long dream of breaking the lesser known Guinness World record for the largest snot bubble produced from the left nostril, Dick Lowmen, age 68, decided it was high time he set his dreams even higher. During a press conference, Dick Lowmen exclaimed, “Next Week, I… Dick Lowmen…” He paused for effect and raised his pointer finger to an uneffected crowd. Gathering himself, he barreled forward, “…by using my giant-snot-bubble making abilities will…” He paused again, hoping the effect he had intended mere seconds ago would suddenly occur. When it did not he finished speaking, “…float down from a hot air ballon ten thousand feet in the air.” Everyone in attendance wasn’t very found of Dick to begin with; and knowing this feat was impossible, the crowd (much to Dick’s excitement) cheered and encouraged him to give it a shot. Yet by the time next week rolled around, to everyone’s dismay, Dick Lowmen landed safely in the ground, snot bubble intact.
The Dentist-
Yanitz Grabinski sat in the waiting room of his dentist office. His tooth throbbed in pain as it had for days. Perturbed and irritated at the length of the wait, he began to twiddle his thumbs. Impatiently staring at the various walls, his eyes panned over each painting adorning the otherwise bland walls. Deciding the paintings had a similar effect on him as the music in the elevator on the way to his cubical; Yanitz began staring down at his feet. Abruptly, the receptionist blew a pink bubble of chewing gum swelling as a mother’s pregnant belly would during a time-lapse photography session. The bloated bubble popped suddenly spilling forth the words, “Dr. Phillum will see you now.” In the exact same moment she rolled her eyes as if she too were exacerbated at the length of the wait. Impressed with her multi-tasking skills, Yanitz waltzed through the door into the back. Soon enough, Dr. Phillum explained to Yantiz that he would need to administer anesthesia during the treatment required to fix his tooth. Later that day Yantiz shot awake confused in a bathtub filled with ice. Not only did his tooth still hurt, but so did an incision on his side which appeared to be sutured by a blind child. Yantiz swore that would be the last time he saw a dentist!
Dangers Of Fabric-
Patricia Fawn, a well known seamstress in the foothills of Pensacola Michigan, made her way, down a bustling main street, to the local fabric store one bright, spring afternoon. After Patricia purchased the fabric for a new dress, she walked out of the store and back down the way she came. It had rained the evening before and the old dirt road was now composed entirely of thick brown mud. Precipitously falling, her shoe slipped deep down into the mud. Folks gasped as she rolled back and forth on the ground, wrapping herself in the fabric she had just purchased. As her body wriggled to and fro in the mud like a sow in heat, the onlookers quickly returned to their daily business nodding and saying something along the lines of, “It finally happened, Patricia Fawn has lost her marbles.”
Considerations & Fictions 